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May 31, 2007
Mystery Science Politics 2000
We continue the Prickly City tribute to Fox News Channel, in which reporters ask idiotic questions in order to extract an answer from which they will construe their own interpretation to fit their ideological point of view. Today: all candidates, except the ones we say aren't, are insane. Even though the question itself is insane, because the election couldn't be held today - that'd be like asking who the next Pussycat Doll would be if we had to choose today. How can we know??? They haven't even finished holding all the auditions for the next contest yet!!! Nevertheless, in the nutty spirit of the wacky PC, if they election of 7 years ago were re-held today, who would you vote for? Today's contestant, George W. Bush, with responses from the October 3, 2000 debate.
BUSH: I cannot let this go by, the old-style Washington politics, if we're going to scare you in the voting booth.
The politics of fear surely isn't something that I'd find presidential.
BUSH: It's fuzzy math...And that stands in contrast to my worthy opponent's plan, which will increase the size of government dramatically.
BUSH: I am pro-life.
U.S. Deaths Confirmed By The DoD: 3463
Reported U.S. Deaths Pending DoD Confirmation: 11
Total 3474
BUSH: Well, if it's in our vital national interest, and that means whether our territory is threatened or people could be harmed, whether or not the alliances are -- our defense alliances are threatened, whether or not our friends in the Middle East are threatened. That would be a time to seriously consider the use of force. Secondly, whether or not the mission was clear. Whether or not it was a clear understanding as to what the mission would be. Thirdly, whether or not we were prepared and trained to win. Whether or not our forces were of high morale and high standing and well-equipped. And finally, whether or not there was an exit strategy. I would take the use of force very seriously. I would be guarded in my approach. I don't think we can be all things to all people in the world. I think we've got to be very careful when we commit our troops. The vice president and I have a disagreement about the use of troops. He believes in nation building. I would be very careful about using our troops as nation builders. I believe the role of the military is to fight and win war and therefore prevent war from happening in the first place. So I would take my responsibility seriously.
Riddle me this: Starts with a Q and ends in a mire, and the situation continues to get more dire and dire.
BUSH: And so, look, I'm going to -- what you need to know about me is I will uphold the law, I'm going to have an attorney general that enforces the law....I think we need to fully enforce the law. I think we need to have an attorney general that says if a law is broken, we'll enforce it. Be strict and firm about it.
Gonzalez “was an eager public champion of the absurd notion that as commander in chief during a time of war, Mr. Bush can ignore laws that he thinks get in his way.”
Gonzales “was disdainful of any attempt by Congress to examine the spying program, let alone control it.”
Gonzales “helped formulate and later defended the policies that repudiated the Geneva Conventions in the war against terror, and that sanctioned the use of kidnapping, secret detentions, abuse and torture.”
Gonzales “has been central to the administration’s assault on the courts, which he recently said had no right to judge national security policies, and on the constitutional separation of powers.”
Under Gonzales, the Justice Department “has abandoned its duties as guardian of election integrity and voting rights. It approved a Georgia photo-ID law that a federal judge later likened to a poll tax, a case in which Mr. Gonzales’s political team overrode the objections of the department’s professional staff.”
Under Gonzales, the Justice Department “has been shamefully indifferent to complaints of voter suppression aimed at minority voters. But it has managed to find the time to sue a group of black political leaders in Mississippi for discriminating against white voters.”
Next time in our continuing Stupid Questions series: If the Super Bowl were held today, would anyone notice that the season was supposed to end 4 months ago?
Posted by Sacki at 10:09 AM | Comments (9)May 30, 2007
Free the Comics Page
No, folks, that's not an optical illusion. Today, you do, in fact, see a reporter ask Winslow, "So, you don't have one?" To which Winslow replies, "I do too have a platform...Free Paris Hilton."
This, of course, follows yesterday's strip in which a reporter asked Winslow, "Free Paris Hilton is your only position on the issues?!"
And as you know, that followed the day before in which a reporter asked Winslow, "With everything that's going on in the world, [Free Paris Hilton is] your platform?"
This repeating phenomenon has been a problem with 'Prickly City' since Stantis ran out of ideas after the third week of the strip's inception, so I'm not going to repeat myself about Stantis repeating himself.
All I can do is lay my head on the breakfast table and weep, too sick and tired to punch the Corn Flakes box.
Posted by CJo at 08:50 AM | Comments (2)May 29, 2007
How Exactly Do You Pronounce The Word "Yoowww?"
Oh joy. Stantis continues to combine Winslow's non-sensical presidential campaign with his obsession over Paris Hilton. A reporter says that Winslow's sole platform of "free Paris" is idiotic, which might be the worst characterization yet in Prickly City. What journalist out there today has the balls to tell a politician that a blatantly stupid platform is idiotic? Do you think the guy working for the AP is going to tell Bush he's an idiot for continuing to link 9/11 to Iraq even though it's ridiculous?
Then Stantis goes to the old faithful: Winslow saying he "won't let the man keep us down." Ugh. We all know where this is going - a bad play on words about how Paris is the man but Winslow thinks she's hot. Um, I don't think the airhead daughter of a billionaire is exactly the man - that's like saying the Bush Daughters are part of the Bush administration. Nope, they're all too busy getting drunk and laughing that they don't actually have to go fight in the war in Iraq because there isn't a draft and they're daddy's little princesses.
At what point will Stantis's editors sit him down and say, "Okay, when are you going to actually offer a conservative viewpoint while making political points in your comic strip? So far this year, much like Fox News, you've avoided the real issues like the war in Iraq, the Republican debates, the battle over immigration, and the U.S. Attorney firing scandal. Instead you've wasted time on things like Paris Hilton and strange philosophical arguments that don't make any sense. At some point are you going to make an effort to create a politically insightful comic strip that's actually funny? Because we're still waiting."
But if they ever did, Stantis would laugh in their faces and say, "If you ever fire me I will scream to the heavens that you're only firing me because I'm a conservative, and I'll get every Republican talking head to bully you into putting me back into the funny pages. So bring it on." And unless the editor is the same journalist in today's strip that has the courage to call someone on being an idiot, they'll buckle and give Stantis whatever he wants. Because he's a Bush Republican, dammit, and there ain't nuthin' you can do about it until January 2009.
May 28, 2007
What a Fitting Tribute
What a dumbshit this guy is. Today, Memorial Day, is custom-made for someone like Stantis, who has defended the Iraq War inside-outside-upside-down and any which way but loose. Show us that you support the troops, Scott. Show us that you can pay tribute to those who have lost their lives in service to our country.
But instead, he makes *another* goddamned joke about Winslow and his call to Free Paris Hilton.
I'm appalled. But not surprised.
Posted by CJo at 09:00 AM | Comments (2)May 27, 2007
Old Man Stantis Sez Technology Is The Devil's Plaything
Scott Stantis uses "hello moto" as the punchline to today's "I'm an old man and I hate technology" strip.
Motorola doesn't even use "hello moto" in their ad campaigns anymore.
If Scott Stantis doesn't care about his work, why should we?
(PS: It's interesting to note that it took forever for any of the online sites to put up today's Prickly City. I guess technology doesn't like it when you make it the butt of your lame "jokes.")
May 26, 2007
Deep Hurting
Please...someone...stop this.
Do you guys remember that show "Mystery Science Theater 3000?" Shrubville owes a ton to that show - a different venue of course, but we still slog through something terrible and try to mine a few laughs from the tragedy of what we're seeing. We just try to add a political slant to things. I guess that makes Sacki our Crow.
Anywho, there was one episode MST3K did that almost killed the cast. Dr. Forrester had sent up a movie to the Satellite of Love that was soooo bad, soooo terrible, that he referred to the experiment as "Deep Hurting." Even halfway through Dr. F considered stopping the experiment - the movie the bots and Joel were watching was so impossibly horrible that even he didn't want them to have to suffer through the whole thing. But they continued on, all the way to the end.
That's where we're at with Prickly City right now.
Three panels today. The first: a "free Paris Hilton" line, something you know Stantis has been aching to make for weeks now. Ah yes, relevancy. Then - get this - a SHERYL CROW TOILET PAPER reference. That's right - a flip remark, meant to be taken in a joking manner, exploited by the right-wing bloggers to show how crazy she is even though she was MAKING A JOKE, finally makes it into Winslow's mouth. Never you mind that this comment was made on the heels of Karl Rove telling Crow that he doesn't work for her, he works for the American people (um, hey stupid, she IS an American citizen), something that Stantis mysteriously avoided mentioning since he thought making Winslow demean Bill Clinton by having him make balloon animals was much more worthy of a strip.
By the way, Sheryl Crow tried to clear that up back on APRIL 24th. Yes, over a month ago. Guess Stantis missed that part - what, you mean the right-wing blogs didn't correct themselves?
Oh but it gets worse. Much worse. After Paris Hilton, and Sheryl Crow T.P., we get Carmen asking Winslow if he'd "shove a toaster up (his) nose" if a "celebrity" told him to. First off, what the f*** is wrong with Stantis and his creepy obsession with shoving stuff up his nose? Remember when Winslow shoved a banana up there? The guy has issues. Secondly, it's more of Bush Republican Stantis's hatred of those eeeevil Hollywood Celebrities - unless it's Fred Thompson, of course, because he's dreamy. Thirdly, Winslow still hearts hot chicks. Zzzzz.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to DEEEEEP HUUUURTING.
This strip is beyond stupid. If Winslow is listening to Crow, why would he waste the T.P. on a sign to Free Paris? She told him to only use one square when wiping his ass, not to waste it on signs that only Carmen will see.
You know what - forget it. I'm not going to try and make sense of this. Because Stantis didn't. He could care less. He thought he'd be "clever" and ram together everything he loves - referencing tabloid subjects and whining how they get too much attention as he's giving them attention, then taking people out of context because he read it on a right-wing blog somewhere, then talking about shoving things in his own orifice because he's got some weird fetish.
The Democrats in Congress, by passing that Iraq spending bill, are basically saying "let's wait until 2008 - THEN we'll really do something." I guess we here at the Ville of the Shrub are adopting that same mentality. Just wait until January 2009 - when Bush is out of the White House, and editors won't feel obliged to carry the Worst Comic Strip Ever just because he happens to be a Bush Boy Conservative. Then we'll happily retire from pointing out that Scott Stantis Gets Paid For This.
May 25, 2007
Thank God it's a Limerick
There once was a man with no corpus
He's only scribbles and ideas that are porous
So every day at Shrubville
We shout out at will:
"What on earth is the motherfucking porpoise!?"
May 24, 2007
Cryin Won't Help Me, Prayin Won't Do Me No Good, and PC Won't Make Me Laugh My Ass Off
Observations.
-Prickly City runs behind by two weeks.
Two weeks ago was the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg 'splosion. Today we get the blimp strip, but no 'splosion. What gives?
-Prickly City goes to the poor well much too much.
If you're going to half-ass it there, scribbler, why not make a game of the blimp's name? On one day it could be the "Michael Moore" and on the next it could be the "Teddy Kennedy" (furthermore, the Teddy Kennedy should be used for any and all crash scenes).
- Panels with neither action nor dialogue, while being relatively superior to the panels that have actual content, are a continuing problem.
Get a corporate sponsor for these, in which you can supply product placement. You can rake it in, enough so that you can have enough money to quit the cartooning game.
- The vocabulary of Prickly City is limited.
I suggest using the word "rathskeller." Ok, that's less suggestion, more plea for help. Practice compassionate conversatism, you no good ca-ca.
May 23, 2007
This is Hell
I don't know what to say, folks. I'm gobsmacked. I'm gobstruck. Heck, I'm even gobstopped. The hump of the week, the crux of this series, hinges on an exceedingly unoriginal and painfully unfunny pun.
Just when you think you've finally reached the seventh circle, this strip peels back to reveal another layer of Hell.
This damnation is eternal.
Posted by CJo at 07:42 AM | Comments (2)May 22, 2007
Maybe If It Was David Hasselhoff
At what point in his life do you think someone said to Scott Stantis, "OMG you are so funny and talented! You should totally get into something like writing comic strips! You'd be soooo good at it!" And do you think it was someone who was related to him? Maybe a friend? Or someone who was messing with him and he took that person seriously?
I ask because I have yet to figure out if anybody actually DOES think Stantis is funny. Sure maybe once or twice a year he says something that somebody might consider humorous, but so does the Pope - and he's not a paid comedian. Stantis gets paid to be funny on a daily basis, yet he's lucky if he gets in a somewhat humorous line every six months.
Today's no exception. Carmen and Winslow are floating through the air. Nope, they're not on a trampoline - simply discussing philosophy is apparently enough to remove the laws of gravity. We then learn Stantis and Winslow's guide to the universe: "understand one thing well and you will understand everything."
Let that sink in for a minute. He's paid for this, mind you.
The joke is supposed to be that Tony Danza is the one thing Winslow is going to understand. Um, yeah...right...that was funny when? Fifteen years ago? On top of that, Carmen calls for a "Taxi." Get it??? Taxi?? Is this thing on?
Paid. Lots of money. More than most people working at the paper, I'm sure.
Apparently by the Winslow Philosophy, since CJo, Sacki, and I all understand how terrible Prickly City is we now understand EVERYTHING. Wow.
But Stantis, Shrubville is proof that the Winslow Philosophy is flawed. We know one thing well: that you suck. Yet we don't understand everything since we have no clue how you still have a job. And that's not funny - just sad.
May 21, 2007
The Thinker
[INT. -- The Stantis Household. Scott Stantis, half-drunk by Noon, trying desperately to come up with a strip idea, picks up a guitar and starts to sing...]
"Some people call me a dumb cowboy, yeah
Some call me a supporter of war
Some people call me Stinkor
Cause I speak of the pompitus of Rove.
People talk about me, Carmen
Say I'm doin' you wrong, doin' you wrong
Well, don't you worry, baby
Don't worry Cause I'm right here, right here, right here,
philosophizing at home.
Cause I'm a deep guy
And a scribbler
I'm very pensive
A mental dibbler
I'm Right and others are not.
I'm a thinker
I'm a drinker
I'm a midnight stinker
I get my ideas on the pot, Wooo Woooo."
[Stantis drops the guitar, picks up a colored pencil and starts to sketch a brilliant strip that illustrates how deeply he thinks about his place in the world, making a profit from the general indifference of the newspaper-reading public.]
Posted by CJo at 07:45 AM | Comments (1)May 20, 2007
Rock Me Amadeus
BEHOLD!!!
...as Scott Stantis shows us his drawing of Tom Hulce as Mozart thinking!
BE AMAZED!!!
...as Stantis shows him frustrated!
BE ASTOUNDED!!!
...as Stantis conveys the emotion of discovery (making sure to include him saying "That's it!" so we know for SURE that's the emotion he's trying to convey)!
BE DISAPPOINTED
...when it all turns out to be a lame cell phone ringtone joke.
On a side note, why am I not surprised that Carmen is always talking about Mozart? Could she be any more boring?
What was that Stantis was whining about the other day that as a comic strip artist he only has four panels to work with compared to the animated comic guys? He sure put those panels to great use today, didn't he? Thank god he showed us Mozart three times or I wouldn't have had a clue what he was doing there. I can only imagine how much more Stantis could accomplish if he had access to animation technology. We could get five minutes of Winslow and Carmen walking in the desert while they talk about things and morph before our eyes since Stantis can't draw them consistently panel to panel, much less frame to frame in a cartoon (the morphing would also include their personalities and political positions).
Then again he could also add music, and Falco makes everything better.
May 19, 2007
When Democrats Attack
Today's a fitting end to one of the worst weeks in the history of Prickly City, a phrase that's quickly starting to lose all meaning. Just when you think Stantis can't get any worse...
So after Winslow declares he's heading for the Dem debate as a pro-war candidate, he proceeds to forget all about the war issue and instead calls Hillary a witch and says Obama doesn't know what he's talking about. Today he says he doesn't hate George W. Bush, which apparently results in him getting nearly beaten to death by moderator Chris Matthews and the rest of the Democratic contenders.
I have to give Stantis props for one thing: he sure does know how to add layers to his suckitude.
For starters, Brian Williams moderated the Dem debate - Chris Matthews handled the Republicans. And even if this is supposed to be a future debate, last time I checked Matthews has a whole lot more in common with the Republicans than the Democrats (maybe Stantis should look up that Hardball footage of Matthews nearly having an orgasm on air talking about how manly Bush looked in that flight suit).
I also like how Stantis has the pacifist pussy left-wingers beating the hell out of Winslow. That's so in character, isn't it? Gee, I thought Conservative Carmen was the one who thought punching someone in the face was the best way to make a point. Nope - it's the Dems who are suddenly the violent ones.
Oh, and it's nice that Carmen is picking her nose in that last panel. Classy.
What else can be said about the Worst Comic Strip In History? Stantis has completely given up on his own characters. Apparently now Winslow is a pro-war Democrat who doesn't hate Bush. Um, last time I checked that was called Joe Lieberman, and he's not a Democrat. Carmen has been reduced to a neo-con who doesn't say anything, probably because Stantis can't think of anything good for her to say since his Republican party is so completely corrupt. What is she going to do, defend Alberto Gonzales and Paul Wolfowitz? Maybe eulogize Jerry Falwell in a few weeks? Hey, maybe Carmen can be named War Czar (or is it Tzar? I can never remember which one the Communists prefer).
Oh, wait, Paris Hilton got sentenced to jailtime two weeks ago. Nevermind. I think we all know how the next week is going to be spent.
May 18, 2007
Cease & Desist
Oh what a capper to a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible week.
Monday: Ill-timed REPEAT of lame-ass steroid joke
Tuesday: Another REPEAT (see below)
Wednesday: Dennis Kucinich is nutty.
Thursday: Hillary Clinton is a witch.
Friday: Barack Obama is handsome, charismatic, and doesn't know what he's talking about.
In the three-year run of stupid, horrible, asinine, idiotic, error-riddled, fucked-up, ham-handed, ludicrous, my-left-foot-drawn, punch-the-corn-flakes-box-inducing, bang-your-head-against-the-wall-until-the-pain-stops, won't-even-line-your-birdcage-with Prickly City strips, this has got to be the worst week on record.
Dear Comic Strip Section Editors Across the Nation:
Stop the fucking madness.
Best regards,
Shrubville
Posted by CJo at 09:08 AM | Comments (6)May 17, 2007
Claims, Jumped
As Stantis puts it, "...I can expand on an idea and I get to do it with great characters. Comic strips, with their multiple panels, are fantastic vehicles for driving home a point that you just can’t do in the daily editorial cartoon format."
1. Expand: on the idea that Pelosi is an uggo/bitch, or the lady Clinton is a witch/bitch.
2. Great characters: who fail to maintain any sense of consistency from one day to the next.
3. Multiple panels: which often go un- and/or under-utilized.
4. Drive home the point: Pelosi is an uggo/bitch, or the lady Clinton is a witch/bitch.
5. Your editorial cartoons: must really redefine the limits of suckitude if Prickly City is an improvement.
In thinking that he's struck comic gold! sweet sweet gold! nuggets as big as your head! with his strip, why hasn't someone told him already that it's just pyrite?
Posted by Sacki at 10:40 AM | Comments (2)May 16, 2007
Heart of Darkness
Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. This strip is wrong.
First of all, the Democrats invited Winslow to the debates because they needed a "Pro-War Democrat." Huh? What about Hillary Clinton. She doesn't count?
Second, Winslow is pro-war? Wrong. It's just another character flip-flop by Stantis, ripping a square message out of the round hole that is his ass.
Third, invading Canada? Boy, like, that wasn't even funny in Michael Moore's 'Canadian Bacon' circa 1995.
Fourth, using a slam on Kucinich as a punchline is just plain wrong. And 'savage.' If anything, it exposes Stantis' 'black heart' instead of taking a 'comic turn.'
If I were on the Pulitzer Prize committee and I voted for Stantis based on this strip, it would be like awarding it for best novella to "Heart of Darkness" starring Marlon Brando. And THAT would be a zany development. If not a completely nonsensical way to construct not only a sentence but also an argument.
Posted by CJo at 08:56 AM | Comments (4)May 15, 2007
When You Give Someone With Nothing To Say A Forum - You Get Prickly City
Maybe this is why Republicans hate the YouTube so much.
Old Man Stantis is at it again. After bitching about baseball players yet again, today he goes after that gol'dang new fangled technology on the internets called YouTube. Of course it's just as original and insightful as yesterday's two-year-old critique of steroid abuse in baseball.
Once again Stantis comes up with a good idea - Winslow has filmed himself and put it on the net. So what hysterical thing did Winslow do? Since we don't actually see what's on the monitor, apparently it's just Winslow sitting there saying "Uhhhhhhh" for several minutes.
Yup, that's it.
Wow Stantis, you came up with that all by yourself?
I'll be the first to admit that there's a lot of stupid crap on YouTube, but couldn't Stantis have spent more than two seconds on this and come up with something that's actually FUNNY for Winslow to do? Would that be too much to ask? Couldn't he have taped Carmen doing something embarrassing, like catch her sitting on the crapper reading The Nation? Or maybe shot himself jumping off a roof into a vat of jello? Something??
Of course Republicans HATE YouTube. They say it has a liberal bias, I guess because people are taking video of politicians saying and doing stupid things and actually making it available for the whole world to see, and usually it's Republicans that are making fools of themselves. Thanks to YouTube everyone can watch as Rudy Giuliani dresses up like a woman AGAIN and George Allen calls someone a racial slur whenever they want instead of relying on the "liberal" media to point these things out. The conservatives are so convinced that the YouTube, much like reality, has a liberal bias that they've even started their own internet video service called QubeTV. I'm sure that'll be a huge hit with the kids. "Hey dudes - check out my video tribute to Ann Coulter! She's the dinkiest!"
Damn this futuristic technology! How dare we empower the average citizen by giving them the chance to actually effect politics! Before you know it bloggers will be reporting on stories that the mainstream media have ignored and making them huge issues that rattle the very foundations of the corrupt Republican party.
You know, kinda like that whole "firing US Attorneys for political reasons" thing. We can thank the bloggers and the internets for that.
No wonder Stantis hates YouTube and technology in general. He doesn't get to control the message. It's the same reason he's bitching in that editorial mentioned in yesterday's comments section. Instead of making his comic strip better, he's just going to bitch and moan that someone is using an improved platform to get their message across. Just more whiiiiiining from another neo-con who is still stuck in the 1950s. Do you think Stantis catches the irony of him complaining about the newspaper industry being out of touch a few months ago and then writing that column and now bitching about YouTube?
Thank god Prickly City isn't available on the internet. Next thing you know, Stantis would have his own podcast and try to sell toys and books via the damned internets. But nooo, Stantis would never allow any of those things to happen, right? Right?
May 14, 2007
The Incredible Shrinking Mind
Good-ole boy Stantis -- like others of his political ilk -- once again decides to eschew science and math and instead just go with his gut. His gut tells him that baseball players take steroids. Stantis has tackled this topic each year, mostly in the form of Barry Bonds jokes. And each time his mitts come into contact with the topic, Stantis comes off like the know-nothing jagoff he is.
Take a look at these names:
Alex Sánchez - Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Jorge Piedra - Colorado Rockies
Agustín Montero - Texas Rangers
Jamal Strong - Seattle Mariners
Juan Rincón - Minnesota Twins
Rafael Betancourt - Cleveland Indians
Rafael Palmeiro - Baltimore Orioles
Ryan Franklin - Seattle Mariners
Mike Morse - Seattle Mariners
Carlos Almanzar - Texas Rangers
Félix Heredia - New York Mets
Matt Lawton - New York Yankees
Yusaku Iriki - New York Mets
Jason Grimsley - Arizona Diamondbacks
Guillermo Mota - New York Mets
Juan Salas - Tampa Bay Devil Rays
This is a list of players (since 2005, when regular testing was started) who have tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs and were, as a consequence, suspended by Major League Baseball.
With 30 Teams and 25-man rosters (750 players), let's look at the yearly breakdown:
2005: 12 positive tests: 1.6% of players
2006: 3 positive tests: 0.4% of players
2007: 1 positive test (to date): 0.13% of players.
So these are the facts about positive tests at the MLB level. Does this mean no one else is taking steroids or using drugs that are undetectable? Who knows. I don't know. You don't know. And I guarandamntee it Stantis doesn't know. These are the only facts we have.
Stantis is proud of his conservative credentials. He oftentimes criticizes "liberals" because they argue out of emotion and feeling, whereas the conservatives argue based on facts
Which side are you on again, Scott?
Posted by CJo at 07:50 AM | Comments (4)May 13, 2007
I Guess Winslow Found Some Petrified Mutant Scorpion Eggs Too
I'm not really sure where to start with today's Prickly City. This is a political comic strip usually, right? So I think today's PC is a metaphor for the war in Iraq, but I doubt Stantis intended it that way because it makes him and the rest of his Republican friends come across like dicks.
Winslow says, "Riding a scorpion isn't so dangerous, Carmen." He then gets stung a bunch of times and says, "Until you get off."
Alright, let's stop and think about this for a minute (which is longer than Stantis took to think it through when he came up with this "brilliantly hysterical" idea). If this is supposedly political commentary, which it should be since that's the only reason Stantis has a space on the comic pages, then the scorpion should represent the war in Iraq. So why is Winslow the one riding it? Shouldn't that be Republican Carmen up there, whooping it up like it's fun? Saying that it's not dangerous while our men and women are dying every single g*ddamn day? Because that's truly how chickenhawks like Stantis think - sure he's a fit, able-bodied man not yet 40 and he could easily be fighting in this war, and it sure does look like fun to get to blow up dem terrorists, but gosh darnit he can serve us better by offering "witty" insights through his comics.
Then we get to "getting off" the scorpion, or trying to get the hell out of Iraq. I'm with Stantis here - this is a tough part. And apparently if the Dems try to get us out of Iraq, then we'll all get stung repeatedly. That's not nearly as fun as staying on the back of the scorpion forever, right Stantis? Because that's what you and your neo-con friends really want - to stay there for as long as possible.
(Until there's a draft and someone you love is sent over there, then you want our military home ASAP. Isn't that usually how it goes, Stantis?)
Sorry, I just don't know what else to say about this. Odds are Stantis saw another comic strip somewhere else that had a similar theme - a guy riding a bucking bronco, gets kicked off, and says "it's not the ride, it's the fall that hurts" - so Stantis ripped it off and since Prickly City is set in the desert he put Winslow on top of a mutant scorpion. But if you're going to spend your week criticizing Harry Reid and the Democrats for saying the war has been lost militarily up to this point and has to be won another way (leaving out the whole "militarily" part because you know he's right), then on Sunday talk about how something isn't really all that tough and you just have to stick it out for a little longer but if you get off now that's when you'll really get stung, then isn't that begging for a comparison to the war in Iraq?
So in summary, Stantis thinks fighting the war in Iraq is easy but getting out is hard. And no, I don't think means getting into the war was easy - otherwise he should have said that.
Today's strip could have been saved AND made sense. All he had to say was "Getting on the scorpion is easy, Carmen. Getting off is the hard part." That would have been a great metaphor for Democrats that signed on to Bush's war without end like Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden that have since realized it was a mistake to go to war and are trying to explain themselves now that they're running for the White House.
But nope, that's not what Stantis said. And that's why he's the worst political comic strip artist ever.
May 12, 2007
Luckily She Brought A Wheelbarrow To The Tattoo Parlor
Scott Stantis cashes in his Prickly City paycheck.
Does Stantis have somewhere else he needs to be? Because this week has been a case study in "phoning it in."
After wasting THREE days hammering home the exact same point (Harry Reid is a surrender monkey because he lives in the real world where 70% of us, including the former generals on the ground, realize that Iraq can't be won militarily) we get a stupid one-off where Winslow is wheeled home by Carmen after realizing needles are involved in getting a tattoo. Yeah, Winslow is apparently THAT stupid.
But what makes it worse is how poorly drawn the strip is today. We hear at the Ville o' the Shrub have always given Stantis a hard time about his drawing abilities, although we gave him a break after we heard about his shoulder surgery. When he returned things improved for a week or two, but ever since he's reverted even further back than when things looked like a 12-year-old scribbled the strip during fifth period study hall.
Things that show Stantis is as lazy as ever when drawing Prickly City:
- Carmen's hair. What's up with the pigtails today? They jut out of her neck like Frankenstein's bolts. And where's her infamous expanding part?
- Carmen's eyebrows. One is high up in the middle of her forehead, the other one three times bigger than her right eye. At first I thought the person who had colored it smudged the paper - nope. That's all Stantis.
- Carmen appears to have lost weight. Again. Winslow is fatter than ever. What is he feeding these two? For a guy who bitches and moans about kids being fat, he can't decide what his characters should look like from day to day.
- The less said about drunk/passed out Winslow, the better. I guess "scribbled" is the best way to draw "queasy." Then again, half the time everything in Prickly City is "scribbled," which makes anyone who reads this garbage queasy.
- Stantis actually puts his signature right by Carmen's foot on display for everyone to see. Like he's PROUD of the crap he drew today.
I don't think it can be said enough that Stantis gets paid for doing this. Is there another strip out there not only written as poorly as Prickly City but drawn this badly as well? Let me clarify: one that's in major newspapers across the country, and getting in more newspapers every month? How pathetic is that? There HAS to be a conservative comic strip artist out there itching to get his or her strip out there, and it has to be better than what Stantis has been serving up lately. Does Stantis use the excuse "well you only dislike it because it's conservative" with his editors too? And they buy it? Is that the only reason he still has a job? Or is the newspaper industry so desperate to fill up space it actually thinks people LIKE Prickly City?
Again the call goes out: if you're a fan of Prickly City, and you read Shrubville because you think we're idiots for criticizing it and should just "lighten up" and enjoy it because it's good, please - tell us why. For the love of god, please, somebody, tell me why Prickly City STILL exists after all this time. Because for the life of me I can't figure out why.
Posted by The Furnace at 09:19 AM | Comments (0)May 11, 2007
The Last Four Days of Prickly City -- A Summary
as collected and compiled by the Editors of Shrubville
You can't win.
You've already lost.
Would you go 'Harry Reid' someone else for a while?
Surrender now.
Quit.
Shouldn't you be rooting for me instead of going all 'Harry Reid' on me?
Just cut and run.
No matter how 'Harry Reid' you get you're just going to have to wait your turn.
You lost. Why keep playing?
And going 'Pelosi' won't work either.
S H O V E
P O P
Posted by CJo at 08:45 AM | Comments (9)May 10, 2007
Blither Blather Zither Zather
Another The-hers-day, and once again I find myself staring, losing my focus, thinking about what I might want for lunch, remembering what I was doing, and then reading another Prickly City that pulls no punches in going after Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Hey, if you're punchless, you've no punches to pull. Anyhow, I'd never been able to put my finger on how or why this Stantis character laid into Harry Reid so much, but then it dawned on me. He hates that he sees himself in Reid.
Now, some of you might be thinking, why is he spending so much time talking about Orson Welles' character in The Third Man? I'm not talking about that guy, although of course, Stantis likes to go around in circles only to wind up in the same spot, much like the characters in the film riding the ol' Riesenrad, and perhaps he likes running around in sewers (who doesn't), but that was Harry Lime, not Reid. No, my friends, this so-called Harry Reid is the Democratic Mormon U.S. Senator from Nevada, a fighter for liberals everywhere with their pro-gun, anti-abortion, pro-deathy penalty stances, as well as support for the Joint Resolution to authorize the use of United States Armed Forces against Iraq.
Harry Reid, by saying that we're losing, you're calling yourself a loser, and if you admit that you're a loser, then Stantis will have to admit that he's a loser. And dear loard, if you do that, then the whole house of cards falls down and we're looking at 500 years of brotherly love, peace and democracy, and what good is that.
Posted by Sacki at 09:37 AM | Comments (2)May 09, 2007
Never Surrender Whilst Wearing Your Sunglasses at Night
From what I can make out of today's strip, Carmen is about to whack her circa-1982 Apple II with a TV remote control. Winslow informs Carmen that hitting an out-of-date computer with a remote that doesn't control it is an un-winnable situation and she should surrender now. Then Carmen makes a Harry Reid reference.
I don't get it.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Wait a minute. I think I get it now upon reflection. The Apple II is Bush's foreign policy. The remote control is Henry Kissinger saying, "a 'military victory' in the sense of total control over the whole territory, imposed on the entire population, is not possible.'
Wait, no. That's not it. Here it is...this is the right one... The Apple II is supposed to represent a Nintendo Wii, which, in turn, is supposed to represent our nation's youth. The controller is the Bush Administration's attempt to control the future of our nation's youth with compulsory military service.
No, no. That can't be right either. Scott Stantis, you are just too subtle today! I can't ferret-out what obtuse point you are making!
However, I will never surrender until I figure it out.
Posted by CJo at 07:41 AM | Comments (5)May 08, 2007
Fun With Studies
Winslow prepares to go supernova...
Like most people, when I read yesterday's Prickly City I didn't think much about it - Stantis saw some obscure study on Americans abusing stimulants and slapped together something to waste the day. It could have easily been "Americans drink too much coffee" or "Americans eat too much sugar" - Stantis would have done the same gag.
That goes for today as well - Winslow's head pops and Carmen tells him to lay off the stimulants. Sorry, this was funny the first dozen times I've seen it in other strips and cartoons.
But I got to thinking: what report is Stantis talking about? I didn't hear about any study about stimulant abuse making huge news in the media. So I pulled up the googles and typed in "Americans stimulants 2007" and the only article that seemed remotely related to what Stantis is bitching about is this study released by RTI International.
Of course it turns out that the stimulants in question aren't so much the traditional stimulants that get people jacked up like Stantis wants us to believe, instead it's a study based on data gathered in 2002 dealing with stimulants used to treat ADHD in children.
Since when does Winslow have ADHD, or know a child that suffers from it so he can steal his meds? Oh, that's right, he doesn't.
Stantis apparently read a headline or someone told him about this study saying we Americans (everyone, dontcha know) abuses stimulants. He just happened to leave out that little part that it's actually a specific kind of stimulant dealing primarily with children, but I guess that would keep him from recycling the same gags he would use for any kind of substance that makes Winslow jittery. In two weeks: Winslow abuses Cocaine! But it's not powder cocaine, it's that energy drink they just yanked off the shelves that's called Cocaine. Stantis can just re-run these last two strips, take out "stimulants" and put in "Cocaine," and his work is done.
Such is life at Prickly City. Once again Scott Stantis takes something completely out of context, like kids being too fat from watching TV or all little girls being whores because of dolls, makes a few lame jokes he stole from other better comic strips, and passes it off as social commentary. Maybe next time you can tackle the study that says conservative comic strip artists only get to keep their jobs because they're conservative comic strip artists. What, you haven't heard of that one before? I just conducted it - you were the subject - and you're all the proof I need to confirm my findings. And those findings are you suck worse than anything else on the funny pages, Stantis. By a mile.
May 07, 2007
I'd Prefer to be Sedated
I mean...COME ON. COME ON! I don't understand a) how on earth this strip even gets "written" and b) how the syndicate and/or his "editor" doesn't send it back with the note, "make some fucking sense, dumbass," or "jesus christ, stantis, find a topic with at least a shred of interest to anyone," or even simply, "you're fired."
I know I'm not asking questions we haven't asked here before, but today's strip is especially galling in its nothingness.
Enough already.
Posted by CJo at 01:28 PM | Comments (1)May 06, 2007
Yeah, Because People Would Actually Want To Steal Prickly City
I'll give Stantis and "E" for effort today. Although I swear I've seen this gag numerous times in different versions over the last few years. Eh, we've never considered Stantis an original anyway, other than coming up with new and inventive ways to suck.
Of course the big problem with today's strip is that Prickly City is available for free online, so sharing it early isn't really a big deal. But I get what Stantis was going for here. Having Carmen say it's "robbery" is weird too - why not call it stealing like a normal person? - but whatever.
I could really care less about the issue. If the music industry had actually planned for the future and invested in the internet instead of sitting on CDs as the be all end all they probably wouldn't be having such a big problem. And I doubt the musicians care as much as Lars Ulrich says - they ultimately make most of their money from the live shows, and it's primarily the record companies that have been screwing over the talent for decades that are feeling the pinch now. On the other hand I can see the argument that sharing online could be seen as stealing, although technically I guess the same could be said back in the day if I lent a Dokken tape to my friend and he made a copy so he could listen to it whenever. But does that mean I was stealing when I recorded "The Going Get Tough" off of the radio as a tyke? I dunno. Like I said, don't really care.
So is Stantis going to avoid talking about Gonzales yet again this week? Probably. Although it was the same week as the VT shootings, so it should be next up to the plate. What will he talk about instead? If you're reading and want to offer up a suggestion, please feel free.
May 05, 2007
Huggies
Looking inside the mind of a neo-con...
TODAY'S BRIEF MOMENT OF CLARITY
It had to have been an accident. But nevertheless, Stantis perfectly sums up the difference between liberals and conservatives in today's strip.
Winslow offers free hugs. Carmen snidely asks, "What's in it for me?"
There you have it. The liberal wants to offer something nice and caring for free, and the neo-con wants to make a profit while being a complete asshole about it. Great job, Stantis - you've made us proud.
Of course it's not really all that funny. If anything Carmen comes across like a major bitch, which keeps it from being humorous or even a little sweet. Instead it leaves a bad aftertaste in your mouth, like how you might have felt if you sat through the Republican debate the other night.
I would have loved to have been able to see inside Stantis's brain when he came up with this idea. I'm sure originally Carmen was supposed to be holding the "free hugs" sign, so Winslow would have the nasty response. But that wouldn't make any sense, since Carmen is pretty much an ice queen like most conservative chicks (sorry, I shouldn't generalize - but are there any conservative female talking heads that seem like they'd give you a hug? I don't know of any. Heck you'd probably cut yourself trying to wrap your arms around that skeleton known as Ann Coulter with all those jagged bony edges everywhere). Hence the fuzzy Winslow making the sweet offer, and Carmen letting us see that even when something's free she wants to get something else out of it.
What's in it for you, Carmen? I dunno - but what's in it for the rest of us is seeing how selfish and money-grubbing you really are. You really are the proto-typical neo-con tot.
May 04, 2007
Scott's a Creep. He's a Weirdo.
As if it wasn't bad enough to hear Stantits complain about a sweaty, hairy dude in a Speedo, today we have to endure -- yet again -- his sickening obsession with Angeline Jolie. Yes, dude: we get it; you'd like to get all up in her suckulent [sic] lips.
And it seems like Jolie's puss isn't the only one that gets his cocktoral vote. Add Halle Berry and Jessica Alba to the list of women who should be afraid...should be very afraid. 'Cause once Stantits gets his hammy little fists wrapped around your ankles, ladies, begging and pleading for attention, grasping, trying to pull himself up, there's no way to stop him. Your name will be in Prickly City forever, written in indelible ink in a scary corner of some creepy guy's brain.
Have a great weekend!
Posted by CJo at 09:56 AM | Comments (3)May 03, 2007
Can't Swallow This
The arrival of good weather and grilling season is upon us. How do I know? It's the return of "manscaping" to Prickly City!
March 21, 2005: While you're celebrating your victory, Carmen, maybe you can explain to us what "manscaping" is. You spent your entire Sabbath repeating the word over and over again. Doesn't seem like a very holy activity, Carmen, considering the very first Google hit for manscaping is http://gaylife.about.com/cs/gaylifeglossary/g/manscaping.htm. As always, thanks to Scott Stantis for providing a very important educational service for those of his readers who may not...hmmm...let's say...who may not run to the video store to rent "The Cum of All Queers." At any rate, I'm wondering what Carmen calls that horrible hack-job haircut she has in which her part is at least 3-inches wide. Stanscaping?
July 5, 2006: The former "manscaper" Winslow is now becoming a rough-n-rugged "macho" enthusiast. What's next? Eschewing his morning latte for some Dunkin' Donuts coffee? Fucking Dominican Republic whores with the aid of Viagra instead of painting the toenails of his many ex-wives? Hunting birds with a shotgun instead of with his bare hands?
An annual event, much like the swallows of San Juan Capistrano. And just as inexplicable.
Posted by Sacki at 09:27 AM | Comments (2)May 02, 2007
Confusion, Land Of
I must've dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
They're moving into the street.
Now did you read the news today
They say the dangers gone away
But I can see the fires still alight
There burning into the night.
Theres too many men
Too many people
Making too many problems
And not much love to go round
Cant you see
This is a land of confusion.
This is the world we live in
And these are the hands were given
Use them and lets start trying
To make it a place worth living in.
Wow. Compared to the idiocy of Scott Stantis, even Genesis sounds fucking profound.
When Mike Rutherford, Tony Banks, and Phil Collins -- all of 'em poncey wankers -- could see through "Reagan's Optimism" back in 1986, you wonder how people are still lapping at the Ronnie Kool-Aid punch bowl today.
Maybe it's the conservatives' Reagan-inspired optimism that Reagan's Optimism will carry them through until Romney's Reagan's Optimism can rescue the world with a fresh dose of optimism. Or some such bullshit.
Save us, Stuporman.
Posted by CJo at 07:58 AM | Comments (1)May 01, 2007
Where's Dio?
No, not that Dio...
What is this crap?
This is like watching a child try to be smarter than his parents. There's a whole bunch of wordplay, and I'm sure Stantis thinks he's being really clever, but ultimately: who the f*ck cares? Is this supposed to be funny? Enlightening? Should I be sitting here punching the cornflakes box saying, "You know, today's Prickly City really makes ya think."
And if Stantis is going to get all philosophical on us, where the hell is Dio? Isn't that the ONLY reason he introduced the philosopher lizard, so Stantis could pretend he's a deep thinker?
Sometimes I'm sad...when I read Prickly City.
Sometimes I'm happy...when I'm not reading Prickly City.
Most times I feel confused...because I can't figure out how Scott Stantis has a paying job as a professional comic strip artist.
picture courtesy of JB