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June 06, 2006
And God Spoke And He Said...Hey Now, There's LOTS More Where That Came From
Carmen finally hears it through the grapevine that supposed non-believer Winslow spoke to God. So of course she's immediately skeptical instead of anxious to embrace that her Godless liberal friend has seen the Light. Yeah, I know, it doesn't make any sense, but if she did buy his quick conversion Stantis couldn't use his faith-based punchlines.
After reading CJo's great entry yesterday, and seeing Republicans like Senators Brownback and Cornyn calling it a "battle" and a "war on marriage"*** I thought I'd do a little googling and find out what else should be amended to the Constitution because the Bible says so - or at the very least should be made into laws. This site offers some good ideas.
- Let's start with marriage. Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife. It seems that God approves of such marriages, because Esau, Jacbo and Abraham also had more than one wife, or at least a couple of concubines. Polygamy - it's what God wants! Genesis 4:19, 23
- Ladies, I hope you like your brother-in-law. If a man dies before his wife has a child, then the widow must marry her husband's brother -- whether she likes him or not, and whether she wants to or not. Deuteronomy 25:5
- Leviticus has a whole section about menstruating women. Just check out 15:19-30 and 33 and see what we're going to have to do with them during that time of month. And you thought it was going to be tough to export all of these illegal aliens...
- If a man has sex with his father's wife, it's the death penalty for both of them. Leviticus 20:11
- Same goes for a man that has sex with his daughter in law. Fry their asses! Leviticus 20:12
- Time to rewrite those tax laws: When a man dies, his sons inherit his property. Wives and daughters get jack. Deuteronomy 21:16
- Ladies, time to sell those pants: Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." Deuteronomy 22:5
- And my favorite: If a woman refuses to cover her head in church, then her head must be shaved. 1 Corinthians, 11:5-6
It goes on and on like this, and at this point I realize I'm just beating a dead horse (which I think means I'm to be burned at the stake or I have to sacrifice a goat, I'm not sure which). If the Radical Religious Right wants to define marriage as the Biblical union between a man and a woman, why don't they want to go all out and do EVERYTHING the Bible wants? Hell, at the very least make divorce illegal since it's supposed to be "until death do us part," right?
I'm going to have to keep reading through the Good Book...there's got to be something in there about the punishment for an unfunny comic strip artist that talks about an animal wanting to have sex with Secretary of State Conde Rice...
Oh wait, here it is, Leviticus 20:15 - If a woman "lies with a beast" both the woman and the animal are to be killed. Sorry Winslow - maybe if you have a little faith God won't smoosh you with that big hand of his.
(*** - To all of those morons in Congress who refer to this as an attack, or a battle, or a war on marriage - when we're in the middle of at least two REAL wars that you idiots got us into without an exit strategy, it's not the best idea to go around comparing a silly amendment discriminating against gays to them. Maybe Congress needs to hold session in Baghdad or Haditha so they can really appreciate what war is.)
Comments
Hahah! Awesome post. Come on congress, if you want to use the bible as a guide to amend - no cherry picking :P
Have you ever checked out the Brick Testament (...was the Lego Testament)? It has some of these illustrated. With legos.
http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/index.html
Posted by: JB at June 6, 2006 09:17 AM
That Brick Testament is AWESOME. I almost didn't realize you have to click on the arrows at the top to get the full story. The Rape one is great. Just terrifying to think people supposedly believe this to be fact - but it's funny to know they, as you mentioned, cherry pick only the stuff that they want to talk about. There are a lot of rapists out there that should start carrying shekels...
Posted by: The Furnace at June 6, 2006 09:34 AM
Looks at the "Brick Testament"...
Wow...whoever wrote the Bible has serious mental problems. Seriously, I hope that guy got any psychological help that was available thousands of years ago.....
Posted by: Charles Brubaker at June 6, 2006 10:14 AM
