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December 18, 2005
War Is Heck
This just in...from the frontlines...
The Furnace here, reporting. I am happy to say:
We won! We won! We won! We won!
With the elections in Iraq a success, and President Bush's approval ratings up (a whole 2%), the Conservative Media Machine (led by the Fox News Battalion) has waved the white flag in the War on Christmas.
"We fought the good fight, but who cares anymore?" a source reports Bill O'Reilly having said at the Holiday party thrown at The Factor.
John Gibson, who was the general commanding the troops in the main offensive, couldn't be happier. "He was giggling like a little school girl when the first reports out of Baghdad indicated a large turnout with little violence," a source close to the Fox News anchor said. "He said we can finally quit the sham story about a war on Christians. Who the hell cares what a greeter at Walmart says to you when you're shopping for cheap gifts? It's bad enough the economy sucks - now we've got something else to distract the public with. Viva la Iraqis!"
Liberals, who supposedly were the ones who launched the war, shrugged their collective shoulders when the news hit that the war was over - and they had won. "We said all along there was no war," Senator Harry Reid was supposedly heard whispering. "Hell, we were the ones who wanted people to say Happy Holidays. Holidays is short for HOLY days. What a bunch of numbskulls."
With the battlefields silent, the troops can finally be withdrawn and sent home for Christm - er, the holidays. Many a segment on the news were lost to the imaginary War, but historians are already saying that it was just enough of a distraction to keep Americans from noticing how poorly the country is doing under President George W. Bush. But this reporter is just thankful that Bill O'Reilly can't complain anymore - while he may have lost this battle, in the end, he might just win his war. His war against splotchy skin. (I'm sending him some a facial treatment for the Holidays.)
THIS JUST IN...
The New York Times is reporting that for a year they've been holding a story that reveals President George W. Bush has been illegally spying on the American public.
THIS JUST IN...
Fox News will devote the entire week of December 19th, 2005 to coverage of The War On Christmas 2: The Big Red and Green One. Reinforcements have already been called up - Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and John Gibson have declared they will not rest until the War on Christmas is won. Or something else comes up that can distract the public from the real issues of the day.
Comments
Let us liberals celebrate the victory in battle by working on the Sabbath! Haha!
As far as the strip: here in the Sonoran Desert, we still reminisce about that one time we had a white Christmas... in 1987.
Posted by: JB at December 18, 2005 02:02 PM
