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December 31, 2005
The End of the Beginning...no, The Beginning of the End - Er, no...
The end is here. Today is officially the last day of 2005. And I say good riddance. If ever there was a craptacular year in politics, this was it. Okay, 1974 was pretty bad too but at least it had a happy ending. Sort of. We can only hope 2006 ends on a similar note.
How is Prickly City ending the year? Well with widespread panic, that's how. You see, 2006 is an election year - and both Winslow and Carmen are acting as if it's the end of the world. Maybe it is tiny ones, maybe it is. But you know neo-cons like Stantis are panicking when they're worried about a congressional election year. Did anyone ever say "Oh my god - 1986 is here - run!"
So since Sacki was kind enough to take a look back at the best (er, worst?) of 2005, why don't we take a look through the handy dandy Prickly City Future Goggles (patent pending) to see what Scott Stantis has in mind for his readers...
- CJo, the only person with the testicular fortitude to listen to Stantis's weekly podcasts, reports that Scotty is thinking about having Carmen and Winslow running against each other for mayor. Will it live up to the brilliance of the Snoopy/Woodstock campaign for President in 2008? Or the Bill the Cat/Opus run in 1988? Only time will tell...nah, we all know it's gonna blow chunks, just like 2005. But let's adjust the Future Goggles' settings and see what happens...
* During the debate, Winslow will be seen wearing what appears to be a knapsack on his back. Inside we'll find Dio, alive and well, telling Winslow what to say. From then on Dio will be referred to as Winslow's Brain. Winslow will call him Crap Flower.
* To counteract the philosopher, Carmen will turn to the Swift Boat Veterans to smear Winslow. They'll reveal that Winslow, although he claims that he can fly, actually has never flown and instead spent the years when he was supposed to be fighting in Viet Nam down in Alabama trying to help some Senator get elected.
* Winslow will give a stirring speech where he channels FDR, saying, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." Carmen will counter with her own neo-con speech, saying, "FEAR EVERYTHING! TERRORISTS ARE COMING TO GET YOU! Only I can protect you! Because, I uh, was in the National Guard! And I can kill Saddam! I mean Osama! You know what I mean! Boooooooo!" The people will collectively scream, "Awwwwwwwwwww" and run to the polls to elect her.
* Carmen will win with less than 2 percent of the vote - yet claim a mandate that says she can do any damn thing she wants. She'll later admit that she did lie, cheat, and steal to win - but it was for the good of the country.
That's all well and good for the mayoral race. But what else can we look forward to in PC for 2006?
- Carmen will be arrested and go on trial for illegally redistricting Prickly City so the Republicans can win more city council seats. Her creepy grin in her mugshot will haunt the dreams of children across the country.
- Carmen will then be arrested for insider trading of her family's healthcare stock, but only after lying about not even knowing that it existed. We'll discover that Carmen isn't really poor but instead the daughter of millionaires - she just lives in the faith-based homeless shelter because, "my tax dollars paid for this roof, and I'm going to use it. Just like the freeloaders."
- Winslow, sensing defeat in the mayoral race, will also run campaigns for the Senate and House. He'll lose, knowing there was voter fraud but he'll be too much of a pussy to ask for an investigation. Instead he'll just whine about how corrupt Washington is.
- Dio will be outed as the man (well, lizard) that outed Valerie Plame (remember, he is Winslow's Brain after all). His act of treason will result in a promotion.
- We'll wake up one morning and discover that over night Carmen somehow privatized Social Security. Once again she'll say it was for the good of the country. She'll then round up all of the people over 65 and put them on a giant hunk of ice and float them out to sea to die with dignity so they're not a burden on the young people.
- Fearing her plummeting popularity ratings, Carmen will launch war with Iran and Syria. Nobody will really care much since will already expect that anyway.
- Carmen will be impeached! Once it's revealed that she lied the country into war and illegally spied on American citizens, the Congress will have no other choice but to start impeachment hearings against someone who is so blatantly disregarding the Constitution.
(Oh, wait, I'm sorry - that was supposed to say that George W. Bush is impeached. Geez, there must be something wrong with the Future Goggles - because we all know that while it should happen, it never will.)
So that does it for 2005 here at Shrubville. I tried to get out as much of the snarkiness as possible (hence the super long post) so I can start 2006 fresh. Seriously, I hope that Stantis is able to deliver some funny stuff next year. He's had plenty of time to learn and grow as a comic strip artist, and hopefully he can put his skills to good use and make us all laugh.
Yeah, I know - dream on. It'll suck. Big time. And we here at the Ville of the Shrub will be ready to make fun of him because of it.
Thanks to everyone who's been reading - you're the reason we're here. That, and the tax write-off, of course. Your comments make the Shrubville world go 'round. Happy New Year.
Posted by The Furnace at 09:36 AM | Comments (3)December 30, 2005
What The Shit
Being that this is my second final post of the calendar year, it seems that a year-end review would fit right well here. What the shit, the kids in Prickly City are jumping on also and getting "wistful", so why not.
January: Target - PETA. Stantis was offended by the sizable number of people using his "comic" strip as fishwrap.
February: Tax Spend Donk. Tax Spend Donk. Donk Donk Whine. Tax Tax Tax.
March: The beginning of a good season for Hawk Harrelson; the end of a good prop for the GOP.
April: The cruelest month brings us Podcasts (which we unfortunately don't make as much hay out of as we should) as well as CJo 'punching his cornflakes.'
May: P.C. apparently hits a new low. "WORST. PRICKLY. CITY. SERIES. EVER."? It's all relative, man.
June: The Furnace is lit, and in a bit of admirable foresight into the political future, questions whether P.C. is intelligently designed.
July: They're coming to take me away (ha haaa).
August: www.shrubville(-blogspot).com(+pictures) = the best free daily Prickly City-centric website evar. And they're still coming to take me away.
September: Coulter's a dirty, nasty, male whore. But on a serious note...
October: Roving correspondents! (Read into the "posted at 4:20" what you will.)
November: Ruminatin', fulminatin', postulatin'.
December: More than I could've done with 100,000 words.
And there's more where that came from. Just. You. Watch.
Posted by Sacki at 09:05 AM | Comments (1)December 29, 2005
Solitary Man
Being that this is my final post of the calendar year, it seems that a year-end review would fit right well here. Then the words of Coach Ditka come back to me and I dismiss the past as for cowards and losers. I'm writing from the bleachers at Wrigley Field, so I can't vouch for the cowards aspect...anyhow here's a little idea stolen from The Furnace...
Winslow: Is it just me or...
Chaucer: The gretest clerkes ben not the wisest men.
Carmen: Yes.
Winslow: Is it just me or...
Milton: Awake, arise, or be forever fallen!
Carmen: Yes.
Winslow: Is it just me or...
Darwin: We will now discuss in a little more detail the Struggle for Existence.
Carmen: Yes.
Winslow: Is it just me or...
Kinsey: The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.
Carmen: Yes.
Winslow: Is it just me or...
GW Bush: Well, actually, he forgot Poland.
Carmen: Yes.
December 28, 2005
Tramamampoline! Tramamampoline!
Better-
-Call-
-John Edwards!
Sue...
Posted by CJo at 08:57 AM | Comments (2)December 27, 2005
Super-Sighs It
So what did Prickly City get us for X-mas? The same old Scott Stantis half-ass comic strip, complete with four panels of Winslow and Carmen sitting in one position, four panels of Winslow sighing, and a final joke about how Winslow is sad that he didn't get a monkey for Christmas. It's probably for the best since I doubt PETA would have approved.
Since Scooter decided to phone it in today, it's time once again for Shrubville's "You Write the Punchline!" Granted "monkey" isn't all that bad, but I thought PC was supposed to be a forum for political comedy. So looking back on the year in politics, what else could have Stantis used in this week's punchline? Please use the comments section to offer up your own suggestions. Also keep in mind that they don't have to be funny - because lord knows we don't hold Scott Stantis to that high of a standard.
"Winslow, you didn't really think you were getting _________ for Christmas, did you?!?"
- a date with Conde
- a nomination to the Supreme Court
- a ride on a wrecking ball
- a deferment from serving in the military
- hot sex with MAnn Coulter
- wings (yeah, I know, that one's kinda sappy - but it is Christmas time, after all)
December 26, 2005
Surviving Christmas, starring Ben Affleck
Carmen ruminates on how sad the day after Christmas is, but it's lost on Winslow since he's listening to his brand new iPod Nano in today's blah Prickly City.
I'm not really sure why Carmen would think today is a bad day. Is it because she's reminded that while Jesus was born on December 25th*, now that it's the 26th she's reminded that he died for our sins?
(*December 25th, 272 AD was the first official public celebration of Dies Natalis Invicti Solis, a pagan Roman holiday that was later co-opted by Christians to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Turning the holiday into "Christmas" (in 336 AD) was part of a pattern of the church stealing various pagan festivals and feast days. Scholars believe Christ was most likely born in the Spring.)
Or maybe Carmen is depressed because her faith-based homeless shelter is having trouble making ends meet thanks to the high heating costs this winter. Maybe she's sad because it means the neo-cons are one day closer to 2006, when they'll (hopefully) lose control of the government. Or maybe she's upset because she's afraid W has been spying on her illegally. In any event, she's not a happy camper. Maybe she didn't get that copy of MAnn Coulter's "Treason" she so desperately wanted.
As for me, I'm pretty happy. The War on Christmas is over, and thankfully Christmas survived once again. It was touch and go for a while there, especially every time Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson opened their mouths. But somehow, some way, Jesus's fake birthday lived to see another year.
Although to be honest I didn't get the one thing I asked Santa for this year: for Scott Stantis to be funny. Maybe next year...
December 25, 2005
A Condi Christmas
Merry Christmas (aka Happy Holidays) from Shrubville.
Please enjoy this piece of art from friend-of-Shrubville JB. It's Winslow dreaming of Christmas with his wife, Condi Rice.
December 24, 2005
Goodwill Shopping, starring Matt Damon
Carmen and Wilson wish us "Peace on earth, goodwill towards men" - Winslow in a non-sexist, secular way - Carmen is a sexist, religious way. I was originally going to try to figure out if Stantis was quoting from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's Christmas Bells poem, or Luke, ch. II, v. 13-14 - but who cares. Seriously - THERE IS NO WAR ON CHRISTMAS. Let it go, neo-cons - let it go.
Instead, since it IS Christmas Eve, here are the gifts I'm going to get our little Scooter for this holiday:
- This handy dandy course that claims you can become a pro cartoonist in 12 easy steps for only $19.95 (oops, I'm not supposed to tell him how much it costs - it is Xmas after all). Stantis already has the "pro" part down (how I have NO idea), so he should only need six steps to become a real cartoonist.
- This free (oops) course on Character Development. Maybe then Carmen and Winslow will have a point of view and stick with it.
- A direct link to www.military.com. You signing up to fight ought to show those cowardly Democrats - right, Scotty? Right? You still there? Or are you hiding under your desk? Put up or shut up, big boy. (Sorry, that strip the other day pissed me off.)
- An easy-to-use checklist so he can follow all of the scandals and corruption coming out of his Republican party. Lord knows we'll all need one - Frist, Delay, Cunningham, Ney, Abramoff, Libby, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Hastert, etc. Maybe they can get enough guys to put together a football team in prison like in "The Longest Yard."
- A tin foil hat so his President can't listen in on Scotty's thoughts without a warrant. That's right, I said it - HIS President.
- A towel to cry in as 2006 progresses.
Merry X-mas* to you, Scott Stantis. Merry X-mas, everyone.
("X-mas" here refers to ALL holidays in the month of December.)
December 23, 2005
Master of Puppets
As some of you know, I listen to Stantis' Prickly City podcast on a weekly basis in an attempt to get inside the head of The Man. More often than not, I don't learn much; it's mostly just Scott and his faithful man-servant Toby yappin' about Sweet Home Alabama, reading emails, and gently begging readers to buy the PC Collection at Amazon.
A few weeks back, Scott flew into a podcast rage about people referring to our Commander in Chief as "your" president (as in, Scott and Carmen's president) instead of "our" president. Today, that rage appears word-for-word in his li'l puppet's mouth. (I can only hope for the sake of his Bucket Wife and Bucket Kids that an angry Scott Stantis isn't as ugly as the angry Carmen in Panel Two. YIKES.)
But something funny happened on the way to Panel Four...
I LAUGHED. Not out loud or anything. But I laughed. After all the Carmen puppetry, after all the tears and the rage, Winslow zings her (and Scott) good. It's almost as if...as if...Scott Stantis -- for a moment at least -- has a sense of humor about himself.
What a lovely gift Scott has given us this "holiday" season: the gift of laughter.
But lest you think ole CJo is getting soft this "holiday" season, I do have a fun read for you. This person has started a crusade to remove Prickly City from the Washington Post, and recently published a nice piece comparing and contrasting PC with the comic strip Candorville. While I wouldn't necessarily want to see Prickly City removed from the Chicago Tribune (whatever would I do with my spare time???), it's nice to know we aren't alone in our feelings for the strip.
Posted by CJo at 10:02 AM | Comments (6)December 22, 2005
Semper Fudge
See that guy above? He's a great guy. A former "troop" who put in his partial time and worked his way up the ranks to become "commander in chief." And yet he goes to bed and cries every night, because some jerks disagree with him and don't support him. He tries to take solace in bike rides and pretzels, but the overwhelming sense of despair causes him to lose focus and he winds up injured (and it's tacitly your fault).
This commander in chief guy, he's got a lot on his proverbial plate. He's got worries. He's got trouble. He's got wounds to bind. But when he woke up this morning --- YOU were on his mind. He just wants your approval. (Currently, only 41% of you do approve!) If he had any extra tote bags and umbrellas to give away, you bet he would. For just a little support each month, that's all he's asking for.
This elected leader of our republic is only asking for the opportunity to crush dissenters and jail those who don't support the troops in a manner in which he doesn't approve. So send him a card or pick up the phone once in a while, let him know that you're still there.
Posted by Sacki at 09:25 AM | Comments (3)December 21, 2005
You're the One for Me, Fatty
What a disingenuous S.[L.]O.B. Stantis is.
As The Furnace helpfully pointed out (and linked) yesterday, the Institute of Medicine did NOT say "watching food commercials on TV makes kids fat." Neither do they say then want to ban commercials that don't hawk healthful products.
Leave it to Mr. Hacky-on-Deadline to completely misrepresent the study to poke fun at the Number One Enemy of the State: Science.
I believe what the Institute of Medicine is trying to do is to TEACH THE CONTROVERSY surrounding cartoon junk food pitchmen.
You just gotz to teach the controversy, Scott. You gotz to. Our President says so.
This calls to mind a scientific controversy I hope they're teaching today: Why are some girls' mothers bigger than other girls' mothers?
Are you listening, Dover School Board?
Posted by CJo at 10:18 AM | Comments (2)December 20, 2005
Hanker For a Hunka Truth
Stantis is at it again. Much like Fox News, he can't let facts get in the way of one of his stories. Today Winslow says that he's fat because he's watching too much TV, and thanks to a government report it's not his fault.
I guess Stantis is basing this week's storyline on this news story from the first week of December. Stantis even references the Institute of Medicine, who produced the report.
Just a little problem in Stantis's "It's not my fault and the government says so" argument. The Institute of Medicine isn't part of our government. Quoting from their website:
"As an independent, scientific adviser, the Institute of Medicine strives to provide advice that is unbiased, based on evidence, and grounded in science."
So the government isn't saying that kids are fat because of TV advertising. An independent research group has found that children who watch too much television are influenced to eat mostly unhealthy foods that, combined with inactivity, can lead to obesity. Sounds pretty logical to me. But not to Stantis - he's part of the "ownership society" where you have to own up to your own fat-ness. Maybe Stantis should own up to his own suckiness, and get Toby up off his fat ass to do some damn research. Unless, of course, they want to fix the facts around their policy. Yeesh, sometimes I feel like Media Matters when it comes to Stantis.
However I do find it interesting that Stantis bases an entire week's worth of comics based on a scientific survey. What would the Intelligent Designer say? And why does the Intelligent Designer let us eat too many fatty foods while watching Spongebob? And why does the Intelligent Designer let kittens and puppies die? And is Santa the Intelligent Designer?
Personally I remember during my childhood when television networks would encourage me to eat healthier, using bizarre looking characters from some hippy's acid trip. Did it help me eat healthier? It's tough to say - but it did teach me how to make my own popsicles using toothpicks and plastic wrap.
Posted by The Furnace at 08:25 AM | Comments (2)December 19, 2005
Awesoma Powa
Behold the power of television!
Sit a coyote down in front of PBS and soon he'll be munching on Dong.
Sit a li'l girl down in front of Fox News and soon she'll be goose-steppin', war-mongerin', and a-phone-tappin'.
Sit Scott Stantis in front of a video series entitled, "How to Draw With Your Feet and Think With Your Gall Bladder" and soon he'll have a nationally syndicated comic strip.
Posted by CJo at 09:51 AM | Comments (2)December 18, 2005
War Is Heck
This just in...from the frontlines...
The Furnace here, reporting. I am happy to say:
We won! We won! We won! We won!
With the elections in Iraq a success, and President Bush's approval ratings up (a whole 2%), the Conservative Media Machine (led by the Fox News Battalion) has waved the white flag in the War on Christmas.
"We fought the good fight, but who cares anymore?" a source reports Bill O'Reilly having said at the Holiday party thrown at The Factor.
John Gibson, who was the general commanding the troops in the main offensive, couldn't be happier. "He was giggling like a little school girl when the first reports out of Baghdad indicated a large turnout with little violence," a source close to the Fox News anchor said. "He said we can finally quit the sham story about a war on Christians. Who the hell cares what a greeter at Walmart says to you when you're shopping for cheap gifts? It's bad enough the economy sucks - now we've got something else to distract the public with. Viva la Iraqis!"
Liberals, who supposedly were the ones who launched the war, shrugged their collective shoulders when the news hit that the war was over - and they had won. "We said all along there was no war," Senator Harry Reid was supposedly heard whispering. "Hell, we were the ones who wanted people to say Happy Holidays. Holidays is short for HOLY days. What a bunch of numbskulls."
With the battlefields silent, the troops can finally be withdrawn and sent home for Christm - er, the holidays. Many a segment on the news were lost to the imaginary War, but historians are already saying that it was just enough of a distraction to keep Americans from noticing how poorly the country is doing under President George W. Bush. But this reporter is just thankful that Bill O'Reilly can't complain anymore - while he may have lost this battle, in the end, he might just win his war. His war against splotchy skin. (I'm sending him some a facial treatment for the Holidays.)
THIS JUST IN...
The New York Times is reporting that for a year they've been holding a story that reveals President George W. Bush has been illegally spying on the American public.
THIS JUST IN...
Fox News will devote the entire week of December 19th, 2005 to coverage of The War On Christmas 2: The Big Red and Green One. Reinforcements have already been called up - Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and John Gibson have declared they will not rest until the War on Christmas is won. Or something else comes up that can distract the public from the real issues of the day.
December 17, 2005
WWMMD? (What Would Mayor McCheese Do?)
Ooohhh, this is gonna get good. Winslow is running for mayor too.
So, using my handy dandy "How To Win a Campaign Against a Dirty Stinky Liberal Handbook" (written by Karl Rove), this is what we can expect in the epic face/off between neo-con Carmen and liberal Winslow:
- Carmen will mention 9/11 in the first twenty seconds of EVERY speech she gives. She will then repeat it at least a dozen times throughout the speech. Even though she lives in the desert.
- Winslow will call for a redeployment of the troops in Iraq over the next six months to neighboring countries so the Iraqis can govern themselves. Carmen will call him a coward.
- Carmen will call Winslow a flip-flopper, even though Carmen's the one who seems to be unable to settle on one position (first she's a moderate, then she's a Republican, then she's a neo-con - then she's whatever it will take to get her elected).
- On the day of the election, Winslow's phone banks will mysteriously be jammed so he can't reach out to offer rides to the polls for his supporters and to remind them to vote.
- When the election is too close to call, Carmen will play her trump card to insure a victory. Who says you need the popular vote to win?
- Carmen will find some way to accuse Winslow of not defending the constitution, having an illegitimate mixed race baby, of being crazy, and of helping the enemy in the Viet Nam War (just like Poppa Rove). None of it will be true - but what does that matter? It wins elections, baby.
- Throughout it all, Winslow will nod sheepishly and try to talk about issues like fighting poverty, tax cuts for the middle class instead of the wealthy, cutting the deficit, smaller government, universal healthcare, and allowing Iraq to be independent so our troops can come home.
Of course Winslow's gonna lose.
December 16, 2005
To Be The Man, You've Got to Beat The Man - Unless You Are The Man - Then Quitchyer Bitchin'
(Editor's note: CJo is slugging it out on the front lines of the War on Christmas. He will (hopefully) return on Monday. May Winslow watch over you, little one.)
"Now that's just The Man trying to keep me down."
It's official: Carmen's black.
As for today's comic, Carmen figures that if some kid can be mayor in Michigan, why not her? Winslow points out that she's not even old enough to vote, hence Carmen's revealing line showing that she has long suffered in the fight against Whitey.
So what platform will our little neo-con tot run on? Here are some of my thoughts - please, feel free to add your own suggestions in the Comments section.
- The No-Fly Zone Platform. Any coyotes who try to fly will be arrested, since God - er, I mean the Intelligent Designer didn't intend for coyotes to fly. Therefore they should be put in jail so they don't try to convince other animals to fly.
- The Anti-Dio Platform. Come on, the lizard's name means "devil" in Latin. And I'm pretty sure that the whole "Holy Diver" album is a tribute to the Lord Satan.
- The Pro-Ann Coulter Platform. She may not agree with gay marriage, but what's not to love about a transgendered blond with long legs?
- The Anti-Stinky Smelly Liberal Platform. Speaks for itself.
- The Scott Stantis Is A Sex Machine Platform. Come on, you know that's how he thinks of himself.
- The Pro-Torture, Anti-Poor, Anti-Elderly, Pro-Tax Cuts for the Rich, Pro-Gigantic Deficit, Big Government Platform. In other words, as a neo-con Republican.
Don't they already have one of those in charge of Prickly City?
December 15, 2005
Less Whine & Complain, More Old Style & Peanuts
It must be said that I will steer far clear of dismissing as absurd and unrealistic the idea of an 8-year-old Hispanic neo-con tot who lives in a faith-based homeless shelter running for public orifice. In fact, let us embrace it, and take it on its merits. What's in it for us, you ask. Well, there's certainly the drinking game aspect of it, thank you very much JB.
We might also be treated to spirited, educational, and entertaining debates, if this were to go through. I would very much look forward to hearing Carmen (with Winslow as her running mate, I'm assuming) going up against Philippe and Todd. Go negative, often and early - that's a game plan I could live with.
Posted by Sacki at 09:40 AM | Comments (0)December 14, 2005
Yolks On You
So Carmen wants to be a "Noel Insurgent?"
It's a pity she's not a Noel Coward, or at the least familiar with his advice: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
So, in the grand mythology of the religion whose holiday you purport to be celebrating, take after the J-man and wander the desert for 40 days and/or disappear for 20 years with nary a peep. (Peeps are for Easter, anyhow.)
Posted by Sacki at 10:14 AM | Comments (2)December 13, 2005
Ralph Wiggum Tells Me To Burn Things
It's that time of year again, when mothers and fathers around the Christian globe will futily try to put together toys for their kids so they won't have to worry about it when the little rugrats wake them up at six in the morning on a Sunday. (At least with the mega-churches closing on Christmas Day they won't have to worry about a little thing like attending MASS on the day of the birth of CHRIST).
But it never fails - looking at those complicated instructions, some things just don't look like they'll fit. Try and try again, they can't get that damn piece to fit into that other piece. Before too long, they just cram it in there and hope no one will notice that it doesn't really look right.
That's what's happened to Scott Stantis today. Oh, he has a clever little play on words he wants to incorporate: instead of lighting a tree, dirty stinky liberals want to light up a doobie or a flag. One problem, Scott - WE DON'T FREAKIN' SET THE TREE ON FIRE. Also, why would an environmentalist want to burn a flag? Nice try pal, but in this case you can't cram that stupid punchline into this strip, as hard as you may try.
This strip is even more non-sensical because Winslow was hanging lights on a Christmas tree on Sunday (even though there was no tree in sight).
At least Stantis wasn't dumb enough to say that liberals want to light up a cross.
Posted by The Furnace at 10:01 AM | Comments (3)
December 12, 2005
This is Hell
MY FAVORITE THINGS
(By Scott Stantis and not John Coltrane)
Winslow is drooling, he's hungry like Dondi
Dreaming of licking and chewing on Condi
The Secretary's all tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
A stale, tired joke that Winslow is flying
Masks the fact that inside I'm dying
See the liberal flail with his wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Just to prove how this world is so wrong
I will draw Carmen out shopping for girl-thongs
Then she'll complain about gays exchanging rings
These are a few of my favorite things
When The Furnace bites
When CJo stings
When Sacki nips me in the nads
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel soooo
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
December 11, 2005
No Virginia, There Is No Christmas Tree
"Next year we pay someone to put up the Christmas lights."
- Winslow H. Christ, Prickly City
Ten times. Ten times I've looked at this strip, and I don't see any lights. Any lights at all. Yeah, there are some squiggly lines here and there, but I don't see any colored bulbs that would indicate that they're lights.
I also don't see a Christmas tree.
You know what would have been funny? If Winslow had decorated the tallest cactus he could find - and that's why he's all battered and bruised. But I don't even see that - there's just some penis-shaped black rock jutting out of the ground.
And per my critique the last few times I've posted, would an anti-Christmas warrior like the liberal Winslow say "Christmas" tree?
However, it is nice to see Carmen reading up on President Bush's Plan for Victory in Iraq. Maybe she's figuring out new ways to call John Murtha a coward.
Posted by The Furnace at 10:11 AM | Comments (0)December 10, 2005
There Is No I In Charity - Oh, wait...
Egad. I'm about ready to give up on understanding Stantis and his approach to "writing." Today Carmen suggests she and Winslow don't get each other gift's - instead they should give the money to charity. Yeah, you read that right - Carmen, the little neo-con girl who wants to give tax cuts to the rich and cut programs for the poor, is the one suggesting giving to charity. Not Winslow, the smelly stinky hippy liberal coyote.
But wait a minute - maybe I'm not getting the "big picture." Is Carmen winking in that one panel? Maybe because she's got her eye on Duke Cunningham's favorite charity. We all know about the Duke-stir, don't we? Or maybe Carmen wants to donate Winslow's gift to Jack Abramoff's favorite charity. And we all know about Mr. Abramoff and his buddies. Ooh ooh - or even better, maybe Tom Delay can suggest a charity.
Now I'm starting to get it. Yes, everyone, we should give all of our money to "charities" instead of buying each other gifts. That's what the Baby Jesus would want.
Just as long as he can write off those bribes when the taxman cometh.
December 09, 2005
Pathetic Little One-Ball Wonder
As surmised last Thursday, Carmen is in need of some uppers. (Yes, for her shoes, too.) That kid's head is all kinds of messed up. Explains why (a) she's sitting all by her lonesome at the faith-based homeless shelter where she lives without any of that goddamn red-taped government regulation and oversight and (b) she needs to sit 6 inches from the screen.
It also a given that frequent and long-term viewing of the O'Reilly Factor will cause an undue amount of brain damage and stress, what with the all the no-spinning going on. Somebody just get her his damn book already. As long as it's for Christmas, and not just the 'holidays.'
Posted by Sacki at 09:47 AM | Comments (1)December 08, 2005
December 25th THIS!
I gotta start out by saying I have no dog in this fight. Celebrate Christmas, don't celebrate Xmas...I just don't care whether you do or don't or how you do or don't. Celebrate pandas or the latest sighting of the 21st century zeppelin of doom. Seems like one of those decisions that should remain private and between you and your god or non-god or panda. Like CJo's favorite New Testament writers Matthew and Mark (as well as those other 2 dudes who he hasn't gotten around to yet) pointed out, the J-man was all about not bothering people with his prayers. I don't care tho, pray, don't pray, eat at Panda Express - I ain't getting my fundies in a bunch over it.
Posted by Sacki at 09:19 AM | Comments (3)December 07, 2005
The Little Lord DeJesus Laid Down His Sweet Head
I may not know Jesus all that well. I wasn't alive when he was alive and I've only made it through Matthew and Mark (Luke and John continue to mystify me). But it's my understanding -- and I could be way off-base here -- that Jesus was a pretty cool, mellow guy. I just wonder how he'd react to all this screeching and bitching and moaning about his fake birthday on December 25th.
Pop quiz, hotshots:
What seems more like something Jesus would say:
A) "I agree with Bill O'Reilly and Scott Stantis. It's MY birthday. Worship Me. Celebrate Me and only Me. Buy lots of stuff in the name of Me."
B) "Some people are substituting the word 'Holiday' for 'Christmas' in order to be respectful of other peoples' faiths -- faiths which don't believe in Me? Boy, that sounds like something *I* would do. May My Father bless those nice people."
C) "Neifi Perez is the second coming of Me."
D) "I'm 'just alright' with the Doobie Brothers?? What more do I need to do, brothers? Oh, well. Whaddyagonna do. I forgive them."
E) "ܘܩܪܒܘ ܠܗ ܡܫܪܝܐ ܟܕ ܪܡܐ ܒܥܪܤܐ ܘܚܙܐ ܝܫܘܥ ܗܝܡܢܘܬܗܘܢ ܘܐܡܪ ܠܗܘ ܡܫܪܝܐ ܐܬܠܒܒ ܒܪܝ ܫܒܝܩܝܢ ܠܟ ܚܛܗܝܟ."
Posted by CJo at 09:52 AM | Comments (3)December 06, 2005
Know Your Role And Shut Your Mouth
Bah humbug. To sum up today's "comic," Winslow asks about a Christmas pageant. No can do says Carmen - can't call it that because of the lousy stinky liberals. Holiday pageant? Nope. It's just the old standard, "Can't say anything without offending somebody" argument. But as my neo-con friend Mel says, "If you don't like it, go back to where you came from."
But wait, didn't the Pilgrims come here in the first place because they didn't want a single religion forced on them?
I have a much bigger complaint than rehashing the whole "War on Christmas" (which was actually started by Henry Ford back in 1921 - did you know he hated the Jews?). No, I'm pissed off at Stantis.
Dammit dude, don't you know ANYTHING about your own characters? Let me clarify. Winslow, the coyote, is a liberal. That means HE'S the one who doesn't want people forcing a religious holiday on other people. Carmen, the little girl, is a neo-conservative. She's the one that says there's a War on Christmas, and is sad that "there's nothing left for the Grinch to steal." Got it?
So why the hell would Winslow ask about there being a Christmas Pageant if he's the one so offended by the term????
Now this could have been very easily saved if Toby had been paying attention. He could have pointed this out, and offered an alternative. Something like this:
Winslow pops his head in frame, a wicked smile on his face.
Winslow: Hey Carmen, when's the Christmas Pageant this year?
Carmen: I'm not sure, I think it's...
Winslow: A ha! It's a trick question! We don't have a Christmas Pageant anymore!
Carmen: Why not? The economy is booming despite our losing large numbers of industrial jobs while inflation rises faster than we can create new jobs.
Winslow: Because Christmas offends us stinky liberals.
From this point on you can simply switch what Winslow and Carmen say. Granted it's still not funny, but at least it would MAKE FREAKIN' SENSE.
Winslow H. Christ Stantis, don't you know your characters at all? Maybe for Boxing Day I'll get you a copy "Comic Strip Writing for Dummies."
Posted by The Furnace at 07:07 AM | Comments (2)December 05, 2005
Do They Know It's Prickmas Time At All?
Well, we all knew it was coming: the dreaded Secular War on Christmas strip. Frankly, I'm surprised he hit it this early in the season this year. That either means we've got three weeks of this or he's blowing his wad this week and we'll be left with two weeks of shoulder-shrugging, desert-wandering, and Winslow-gift-wishing.
It took him until the 21st of December last year to get all lubed-up about Christmas with his Larry Latex strip. And even then it was a one-shot deal.
All this calls to mind everybody's favorite falafeler who recently ejaculated this gem with respect to whether or not Wal-Mart should be respectful of other religions since they have a presence in China:
"They don't have to say 'Merry Christmas' in China, OK? They can say whatever they say in China, 'Happy Winter.' All right? 'We like pandas.' Say whatever you want. This is America."
I really hope all these Right-Wing blowhards are wearing protection whenever they spew their 'Liberals Are Anti-Christmas' junk.
Keeps the rest of us innocent bystanders disease-free.
Posted by CJo at 10:45 AM | Comments (2)December 04, 2005
Neo-Tubbies
NO STRIP TODAY???
Could it really be? Could the papers have yanked Prickly City for its "radical" commentary and replaced it with the Teletubbies?
Nah, I'm betting the website that carries the strips online just haven't updated the PC site yet.
So instead I'm going to go with another installment of "What I Would Do If I Was Writing Prickly City." In today's strip, I would do what I think is obvious: PC's version of the Teletubbies.
Now granted you can't draw the Teletubbies - that's trademark infringement. Instead you have to do a parody, so I'd base the PC Tubbies on the neo-cons of course. Based on what Wikipedia says, here's how I think the characters would be broken down.
Tinky Winky
He is the largest of the Teletubbies, is covered in purple terrycloth, has a triangular antenna on his head, and is notable for the red luggage (described by the show as a "magic bag", but often perceived as a handbag) he always seems to have at hand.
If he's the largest of them all, this has to be Dick Cheney. Maybe the "magic bag" is the "football" he carries around - that briefcase that the President carries around that's supposed to launch the nukes when the Russkies - er, I mean terrorists - attack. And yeah, I know that I said the President carries it. We all know who's in charge, it's Tinky "Bulldog" Winky.
Dipsy
He is the green Teletubby, with a straight antenna (like a car's dipstick). He likes his black and white furry top hat. He once lost his hat and Laa-Laa found it, but instead of simply returning Dipsy's hat to the stricken Dipsy, she ran around it for about ten minutes shouting "Dipsy hat, Dipsy hat." A "nature boy", he likes to be with the rabbits. In later episodes, Dipsy had a notably darker face than the other Teletubbies, possibly an attempt by the producers to add ethnic diversity to the line-up. This is the least liked Teletubby, according to a nationwide British poll.
Oh come on, this is waaaaay too easy. Least liked Teletubby? A "nature boy?" Undoubtedly he likes to clear brush at the ranch. We've got our George W. Bush.
Laa-Laa
Female, yellow, curly antenna. Favorite thing: orange ball. Very concerned with the welfare of all. Thinks she's the best singer. "Drama queen", party-girl and mother type.
Very concerned with the welfare of all? Geez, I don't know of anyone in the current administration who fits that bill. I'm guessing since she's going all over Europe demanding them to stop criticizing us for torturing people that Conde Rice would be our biggest "drama queen." Conde, you're in - singing Laa-Laa while shopping for thousand dollar shoes while New Orleans was drowning.
Po
Female, red, circular antenna. Favourite thing: scooter. Bilingual: Speaks (broadcasting country's language) and Cantonese. Problem solver and best "spider-fighter". Tomboy type. Of all the Teletubbies, Po usually becomes most involved with the audience. Loves attention.
Hmm...if we lose the sexual identity, I think this one is clear. Who's a better "spider fighter" than the guy who claims to have caught Saddam in a spider hole? Donald Rumsfeld doesn't speak Cantonese to my knowlege, but he does interview himself when he gives press conferences. And he does love the attention, unlike Cheney. Yup, we have a Rummy.
Reading through the description of what the show is like (trust me, as a guy in my 30s with no kids I have no clue what the heck was going on with that show), there are some key elements that bear a striking resemblance to the current Administration:
- Tubbies are at the stage of understanding speech but not yet fully capable of articulating it, exactly like their target audience
(What better way to describe W?)
- The surreal environment is an evocation of a toddler's perception of the world, where they are ordered about and told to go to sleep
(Patriot Act anyone?)
- The most wide-ranging controversy is about the alleged gender confusion caused by two of the characters having homosexual traits
(And we all know that 2004 had a lot to do with banning gay marriage)
Wow, I doubt Stantis realized this when he used a 5 year old reference to close yesterday's strip, but the Teletubbies actually lends itself pretty well to being a political comic strip. Granted they would only talk in certain code words, but don't we already have that? "Insurgents," "Rejectionists," "Plan for Victory" - it's as if the Administration is already acting like a children's show.
Just a shame they're actually supposed to be the adults.
ADDENDUM:
JB pointed out that there is a strip today, it just went out late:
It features the creation of the word "wronvil." I wouldn't have written nearly as much about that.
December 03, 2005
Oh So Close
Scott Stantis, you almost had me.
Just when I thought you had FINALLY pulled it all together and created a funny, insightful strip - you blow it.
At first, Carmen lets us know that the newspapers are laying people off again. (So far, so good.) Winslow then asks why they're laying off the the guys at the bottom of the totem pole instead of the CEOs. (Yup, you're on the right track Scooter.) The liberal coyote then reminds us that the CEOs are the ones who "rammed the ship into the iceberg." (Yes! You got it man! Right on!) And when Carmen does her best to shut him up, and Winslow realizes that he's biting the hand that feeds him, Winslow tries to recant. (Woo hoo! This is text book comedy!)
And then we get a box that says to watch this space for the Teletubbies comic.
(D'oh!)
Teletubbies? Are you serious? When was the last time the Teletubbies were relevant? Four years ago? Five?
You want proof that Scott Stantis isn't funny? This is it right here. Cut it out, send it to your local newspaper, and say "THIS ISN'T FUNNY."
I guess Stantis did it so he wouldn't offend any of the other comics that might actually appear on the same page as his. Instead, he'd rather offend everybody else by not being funny.
Well at least it got him a write up in Editor & Publisher.
Posted by The Furnace at 09:26 AM | Comments (0)December 02, 2005
W W R D -- A One-Scene Play
Featuring:
SCOTT STANTIS as......Ronnie
TOBY (in drag) as.......Mommy
WINSLOW as..............Ron Reagan, Jr. ("ReagJu")
INT. REAGAN FAMILY HOME, THE LIBRARY
RONNIE, in the throes of senile dementia, wanders around the room wearing pajamas.
[Actor is allowed to huff marker fumes to replicate dementia.]
MOMMY sits at the desk autographing "R - The Reagan" stickers.
Ronnie walks over to the desk.
RONNIE:
There you go again.
Mommy smiles and nods.
RONNIE:
We begin bombing in five minutes.
MOMMY:
Oh, Ronnie. Aren't you funny. Maybe you should pick up your markers and scribble that on a piece of paper. The syndicate deadline is in two hours.
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
REAGJU opens the library door and enters.
REAGJU (talking in a slight lisp):
Hello, Mommy. Hi, Ronnie. There's not enough conga in this world!
RONNIE:
Honey, I forgot to duck.
REAGJU:
I'm a flaming liberal! I worship Larry the Latex Condom!
MOMMY:
Beat it, ReagJu. We've got work to do.
ReagJu exits.
RONNIE:
Jelly Belly me, Mommy!
Mommy grabs a handful of Jelly Bellies and feeds them to Ronnie, one-by-one. She kisses him on the forehead and hands him a marker.
Ronnie sits on the floor and sketches out a week's worth of strips.
THE END
Posted by CJo at 09:57 AM | Comments (2)December 01, 2005
Jagshemash
During a premature bout with seasonal affective disorder, our gal Carmen has a revelation that for this past year she hasn't seen her parents, or any relatives, and that characters like Dio and Shelly are just using her for cheap (or non-existant) laughs.
Suddenly, tho, her pal Winslow appears, and gives her a high-five and the old "i like you. you like me?" routine. Off they walk, arm in arm, as they trek across the Mojave, into Death Valley, through Yosemite, past Reno (where Winslow shoots a man just to watch him die), and finally make it to the Bunny Ranch, where there is a party that Carmen can call home.
Posted by Sacki at 09:08 AM | Comments (2)
picture courtesy of JB